Core Reflections:
Paying Attention to Trust

By Beata C. Lewis, J.D.

What do you do when trust shatters?

Breakdowns in trust are at the core of any conflict. Cultivating capacity to trust is a practice. The human journey is such that just as you begin to experience mastery in some area of your life, life presents you with the challenge of practicing in another area or at a deeper level. Where we pay attention to trust issues, we open the possibility of reconciliation and healing for the sake of moving forward into another future—either alone or together. Cultivating capacity to trust is a life-long practice in cultivating the Self.

Consider, for example, the following scenarios:

You have finally finished negotiating a settlement you both agree is fair and sensible. You could live with it…if you believed that the person who let you down time and again would actually follow through. In your heart, you are strategizing how to survive the loss. Or, instead, you are strategizing how to inflict penalties for non-performance.

Or…

You have finally finished negotiating a settlement that you know is not fair but is the best you are going to get. Despite the impression that this business partner has shown you her worst, you have agreed to continue working together. You now know what is possible and that is now what you expect. This time around you are ready. No more Mr. Nice Guy from you. Nobody takes you for a fool twice.

Or…

The colleague who publicly tried to block you from authorship on a paper describing your collaborative research is now furious. Despite all his efforts, your name was included among the authors; his was left out. There is ample funding to continue working on this project but the funding is under his control. You are passionate about the cause but you cannot bring yourself to work with that person anymore. The vigilance required to protect your “back” is too exhausting.
Something has shattered. While you have done your best to resolve the issues ostensibly under dispute, you cannot move with the same ease as before. The basic (and possibly blind) trust you once were prepared to grant is unavailable now. And even if you reach an agreement—establishing what could be the basis for authentic trust—you may still experience the residue of betrayal.

What makes you willing to trust again? How does your capacity to trust change as you do or do not heal from betrayal?

As a leadership coach and consultant, I work with individuals who recognize the urgent need for highly effective leadership that promotes sustained and energized collaboration. Leading—as a way of being, not just focused on a role or title—is a function of relationship with oneself and others. Building your presence as a leader is a process of coming into an authentic and powerful sense of self and being able to extend into the world with clear intention, skillful action, and grounded compassion. Whatever vision you seek to realize and direction you choose to take in fulfilling your vision, you will be in constant conversation with yourself and others to generate and coordinate meaningful, purposeful action. At an obvious level, that conversation is created in thought and language. The conversation comes to life, however, through perception, sensation, mood and action experienced in the body. Especially in times of complexity and change, leaders who by their presence and competency can build trust quickly and inspire others to collaboration are the ones who succeed.

What Gets Your Attention?

In evaluating whether and how to support, join with or follow another person, we—as human animals—are constantly assessing whether a person or situation is trustworthy. We build trust by our words and actions. The whole Self—our integrated physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual Body—experiences, communicates and responds to trust. The Body is continuously taking in data and interpreting or attributing meaning to it. These assessments are evaluations, judgments, interpretations, or opinions about what is “true.” Sometimes our assessments are grounded in assertions of fact; often they are not. Even when we do not know what the assessments are or what provoked them, we take action based on our assessments. In the Body, we will tend to experience our assessments as facts.

One’s capacity for trust begins with Self. The trust you are able to extend to others corresponds to the trust you are able to extend to yourself. Building one’s capacity to trust is not about training for trustworthy behaviors (e.g., those that may be organizationally approved or politically correct). It is about becoming more aware of the attitudes, behaviors, and interpretations that, over time, have shaped our willingness to stay open, present and connected to ourselves and to others. Our capacity to trust shows up in how we make and fulfill agreements—commitments to ourselves and to others. What authors Solomon and Flores describe as “basic trust” provides the basis for one’s entire personality and demeanor toward the world (See "Building Trust: In Business, Politics, Relationships, and Life," by Robert Solomon and Fernando Flores). Basic trust is relatively open-ended and indiscriminate. By contrast, authentic trust exists in each and every instance of the practice of trust. Authentic trust focuses on relationships rather than single transactions or outcomes. The key to authentic trust is action and commitment: commitments made and commitments honored.

In the workplace—and in human interaction generally—everything moves by way of conversation; we are taking and catalyzing action through language. What promises are you willing to make to yourself and others, and what tendencies do you notice about how you follow through? Are you able to articulate directly and unapologetically an offer or request? What affects your ability to respond unambiguously to an offer or request by communicating clear acceptance, making a counteroffer, or choosing to decline the offer or request? When someone declines your offer or request, are you able to insist when necessary while still taking care of your “customer’s” concerns? What happens for you when it is most appropriate to quit—whether that means no longer interacting with a certain person or a given behavior? While these are all acts in language, they are communicated and experienced by the whole Body. Each of these speech acts produces a host of corresponding bio-chemical activity. Without conscious awareness and a commitment to being fully present, we can easily become hostage to that which “lights us up” and throws us into more or less familiar patterns of reaction or defensiveness.

It is essential—in relationship as in leadership—to be able to express what you want or need, understand what others need, and to create and fulfill on agreements. Our agreements allow us to connect and coordinate with others. It is vital to pay attention to the purpose and quality of connection for the life of the agreement. How do you negotiate and fulfill agreements in such a way that produces value and satisfaction for yourself and others? In making agreements, do you stay connected to your overriding commitments and what you care about?

We tend to trust people who are self-aware and where our gut instinct tells us it is safe to trust them. We tend to distrust people who we experience as unauthentic, selfish, self-absorbed or self-righteous—people unaware of what they create around them. We learn to distrust those who blame and judge others without considering their role in the experience, those who distort the truth and change the rules for their own purposes. Trust arises when people have confidence in how they and others will use knowledge and power. They practice the values they say are important to them. They speak the truth without blame or judgment. We are more likely to trust people who take responsibility for their role in a relationship. We experience as trustworthy someone who listens to and responds to needs and interests—their own and those of others—with appropriate action. You can rely on who is really there.

What Are You Practicing?

In most workplace situations, trust is earned; it is a reciprocal transaction. People earn trust by, for example, disclosing relevant information in a timely manner, sharing influence and rewards, competently applying their knowledge, being fair in their dealings with others, fulfilling the spirit of their agreements, and by not abusing their power. The reciprocity factor is key: you have to give trust to get trust. When trust has been broken, shattered or betrayed, giving trust anew generally happens in much smaller, more controlled increments and with heightened awareness.

Rebuilding trust often starts with an apology and doing something to make amends. The apology is more than “I’m sorry.” The recipient will be listening for cues—generally non-verbal ones—that indicate that the apology is sincere, not just an easy or flippant thing to say so things can move on. The recipient may be listening for an acknowledgement that you recognize the damage and the suffering connected with that. In making amends, people are sensitive to whether the action meets the need and the quality of energy behind the actions they witness. When trust has been damaged in the relationship we become all the more attentive to the apparent congruency between what a person says and what they embody. Any incongruency can be interpreted as just another reason not to trust.

Healing from betrayal and moving on to build trust anew requires a willingness to understand and to forgive. As described in the Reina Trust and Betrayal Model™, there are seven essential steps to healing from betrayal (See “Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace: Building Effective Relationships in Your Organization,” by Dennis & Michelle Reina). The first is understanding what actually happened. It takes courage to see the larger truth about a situation that created damage in a relationship. It takes courage and emotional resilience to be willing to see things in hindsight that you missed before. A second step in the healing process is allowing your feelings to surface. Acknowledging—and feeling—your own real feelings allows you to drop into the heart of the matter for yourself. It also may create the possibility of empathy for what another person is experiencing.

We choose to heal the internal damage from trust breakdowns for the sake of being able to move on. The process tends to be messy, non-linear and often irrational. And when you are in the thick of it, it is important to have support. Opening yourself to receive support is the third step for healing. It is a way of taking care of yourself and the situation. Support comes in human and non-human form. Acknowledging what support you really need and taking the steps necessary to have it helps build trust in yourself. Reframing the experience to include others’ perspectives and to be open to learning is the fourth step for healing. The challenge is to learn and grow in resilience, overcoming the temptation to become hardened and closed. The fifth step is to take appropriate responsibility for our own intentions and actions. This may involve acknowledging—at least to oneself—the hidden agendas and often unconscious needs that drive our behaviors. You come to acknowledge that, despite good intentions, your actions may have produced unintended consequences. As you become fair witness to yourself, this inquiry for understanding can produce greater compassion and even fierce determination to grow in wisdom from the experience.

Understanding is only part of the equation for healing. The other necessary element is forgiveness. By its complex and paradoxical nature, forgiveness may be the most difficult aspect of the healing process. And just as trust begins with Self, so does forgiveness. If you feel betrayed, self-forgiveness may not be the first place you dedicate your attention. But it might be the most important thing you do in making yourself more trustworthy to yourself. Forgiving yourself and the other person unlocks the possibility for you to let go and move on.

Just as trust can be transactional or transformational in nature, so can forgiveness. For some, forgiveness is like a deal: I’ll forgive you if you…apologize…or do something I recognize as being worthy of the gift of my forgiveness. When it is transactional, the willingness to forgive may grow incrementally, perhaps in parallel with the painstaking steps of a renewed willingness to trust. When it is transformational, forgiveness no longer depends on the actions of the other person. You grant forgiveness. People who have forgiven someone long dead, for example, know what this quality of forgiveness takes…and what opens up as a result.

When forgiveness is hard, it can help to remember the purpose of forgiving. Forgiveness allows your own healing. Someone coined the idea of "Forgiveness: Giving up all hope for a better past." Is forgiving the same as accepting that what happened was acceptable or good? Probably not. But there is an element of acceptance involved: accepting that what happened, happened. It can be like releasing an old debt, the debt of “you owed me” a different way of behaving. Is forgiving the same as no longer holding someone responsible (response–able) for fulfilling promises made in the wake of damaging behavior? Probably not. Each person defines forgiveness differently. More than anything, forgiveness is about embracing your own need to be whole and fully available to love and trust again for the sake of your own precious life. With different awareness and actions. With another kind of self-care.

Building and restoring trust is a practice of making and fulfilling commitments. These are the commitments that give a life meaning and are connected to a deep sense of passion and values. In any relationship, you have implicit and explicit commitments about the quality of connection that you want to co-create and participate in. When things get difficult or fall apart, you need to know what you are fighting for, not just what you are fighting. In identifying your commitments, you also clarify your conditions of satisfaction. That way, you can ask for what you need and want, communicating clearly what will satisfy you. When you know to pay attention to your core commitments, you begin to connect with others with that same focus and quality of attention. You become curious about their commitments and their conditions of satisfaction. You learn to discern where and with whom to devote your energy. You become more authentic, powerful and trustworthy by taking action from informed choice and an abiding connection to what you care about.

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About the Author:
Beata C. Lewis, J.D., provides focused coaching for highly accomplished individuals and teams. Applying a somatic orientation that integrates mind, body, heart, and spirit, Beata helps them develop awareness and implement practices to achieve tangible and sustainable improvements in leadership, trust building and collaboration. Coaching and consulting clients range from leaders in bio-tech, health-care and high-tech companies, boards of directors, non-profit and arts organizations, federal and state agencies and entrepreneurs. Beata’s coaching expertise is rooted, in part, in her experience as a professional mediator and facilitator and, formerly, as an attorney. She is also an Associate with the Strozzi Institute and is certified as a Master Somatic Coach™. In 2003 she conducted a study (The Feminine Face of Leadership in Science) about what women leaders need as they shape the character and practices of leadership in the business of science. With her unique Transformational Leadership Circles, or TLC for Women Leaders™, Beata combines leadership coaching and peer mentorship in small-group format for women.

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